The great Australian death ceremony

By Dorothea Snook

The Australian death ceremony started as a crude ritual back in the days of witchcraft. In recent years it has been developed into a science.

It starts with one simple aspirin for a simple headache. When the one aspirin will no longer cover up the headache, take two.

After a few months, when two aspirins will no longer cover up the headache, you take one of the stronger brands.

By this time it becomes necessary to take something for the ulcers that have been caused by the aspirin. Now when you are taking two medicines you are off to a good start.

After a few months, these medications will disturb your liver function. If a good infection develops you can take some penicillin. Of course, the penicillin will damage your red corpuscles and your spleen will then immediately develop anaemia. Another medication is then taken to cover up the anaemia. By this time all these medications will put such a strain on your kidneys they will break down.

It is now time to take some antibiotics. When these destroy your natural resistance to disease, you can expect a general flaring up of your symptoms.

The next step is to cover up all of these symptoms with sulphur drugs. When the kidneys finally flake up you can have them drained.

Some poisons will build up in your system but you can keep going quite a while this way.

By now the medications will be so confused that they won’t know what they are supposed to be doing but it really doesn’t matter. If you have followed every step as directed, you can make an appointment with your undertaker.

This game is played by practically all Australians, except for a few ignorant souls who follow nature.

Published in Dorothea Snook’s 1983 What a Way to Go!!

Dorothea Snook, circa 1983 (c) Snook Family